Emptiness

I do not know what you are, but you are dry and heavy. Bulky, hard to move, and buried very, very deep - tethered to feelings of inequality and scarcity and you question: Is it enough? Am I enough?

You are the pressed-down pedal that keeps me moving too fast. That insists on quantity but creates less quality.

You worry about time and how I'm perceived.

My gut begs me to resist you but not banish you, but you are useful in a way.

I want to name you.

Lacking

Emptiness

Void

Hole

None of these are exactly right. You are not nothingness. I don't even know that you are only a part of me, but perhaps my family. My nation. My generation. My whiteness.

What I want to say to you, you dry lump of weight that keeps me distracted, keeps my mind racing in paranoid directions, that tells me it has to be hard, that tells me it has to be done, that tells me how I must follow the damned rules:

Thank you for your service. You drive me to be better. I don't hate you.

But I need you to let go of me now. Let me think outside of the box and outside of protocol. Let go of the vanity that causes me to feel inadequate. I am more than adequate.

I must slow down. I need to lose track of time. Get lost in a book or piece of writing. A movie. My laughing child. I must connect more with my partner and allow myself to feel and give.

I'm out of balance, and I need you to get smaller. Don't leave, but take a back seat. Life is too short for my tombstone to read "They always finished their to-do list." I must rest and trust others and let go of control. I want to stretch now into nurturing.

Please quiet your voice, your endless chatter, and let me rest.

It would be a lie to say that I'm not tired. A lie to say that this is easy. I'm trying hard not to depend on food, caffeine, or alcohol to survive these obstacles. I am grateful. I put a lot of pressure on myself and others; it builds up and it builds in. What happens to the subject in the middle?

I want to be the best version of myself.

Slow down? How the actual fuck do I do that and still do all the things?

I don't know.

Write.

Write it all